The Book, The Borderline, and Dialectics.

Three Little Letters: Exploring My BPD Through Poetry is the title of my upcoming book and the inspiration for this blog. The book itself is a compilation of poems exploring the journey I've been on since my diagnosis at 17. Discussing the different hills and valleys of life, love, and loss, Three Little Letters has been an exploration of the deepest parts of myself. It can be hard to think about what you've done in your life, let alone psychoanalyze yourself to the point of writing poetry that bears your soul to the world.

Some of these poems were difficult to write, not in a technical sense, but in the way that I had to put myself back into the scary headspace that I wanted to write about. Most of these poems have all been written over the last three or four years, but they encapsulate the entirety of my 25 years on this earth.

When you have Borderline Personality Disorder, you feel in extremes. I've explained this to friends before by saying that if you think of experiencing emotion like a sliding scale, someone with BPD is living between the eight and ten constantly. Now, I can only speak from my own experience on what this feels like, as I imagine everyone with BPD relates differently, but for me, it can feel like when minor things change, they don't feel minor. For example, when I have something scheduled that I've been looking forward to for a long time and those plans change or get cancelled, it can feel like the ground is shifting underneath me.

I would like to mention that, after around a lifetime of therapy and self-reflection, my ability to differentiate thoughts, feelings, and emotions from reality has drastically improved. This increased skill, however, does not make what I'm feeling any less earth-shattering; it's just a reminder that once my brain calms down, I will be okay.

With BPD, you have to fight with your own brain sometimes. That's where the other three little letters, DBT, come in handy.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is one of the most effective and accessible treatment methods for BPD. It was founded in the late 1980s by Marsha Linehan, a psychologist at the University of Washington, when she realized Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was not sufficient for many chronically suicidal individuals, specifically those with a borderline personality diagnosis.

The main 'tagline' of DBT is to create a life worth living, and as DBT was developed and continued to evolve, it was found to be adaptable and usable for many other mental health conditions. DBT also discusses the need for people to balance the acceptance of who they are and how their diagnoses affect them, while also understanding the need to grow and change their behaviors.

I think since starting DBT (and consistently using it in my everyday life), I have been able to acknowledge that my life is not perfect, I'm not perfect (shocker, I know), but I can have a good life. Look, it isn't easy to admit that you're the one causing your relationships to fall apart. It's even harder to do something about it, and I won't sit here and say it was easy. I will take one for the team, be the 'bad guy' and say: nothing will change if you don't change it yourself. I'm going to say it one more time, make sure you heard me, NOTHING WILL CHANGE... IF YOU DON'T CHANGE IT YOURSELF. Sorry for yelling, I'm very passionate about this.

To tie this all together, I think writing these poems, putting them together into this book, was my way of self-acknowledgement. I had to reflect and notice what I had been doing ineffectively to be able to switch it up and live my life in a way that's worth living. As I said, it was scary, and sometimes I felt like I was torturing myself, but I did it. I wrote a book. And earlier this week, I held it in my hands. The first ten copies have been printed (OH MY GOD!!?!?! Is this real life??)

I am so grateful for everyone who has been on this journey with me this far, and I'm super grateful for anyone just joining me now. Welcome, happy to have ya, hope you'll stick around.

-Jo <3